Kathie Freeman

40 Reasons Why Cats Are Better Than Kids

My friends all tell me that I'm deprived because I don't have any kids. I'm missing out on so much, they tell me. They're right, of course, but then, I've seen all the "fun" they're having, and believe me, I'll take my cats any day. Here's why:

1. If you want a cat, you don't have to endure nine months of morning sickness, weight gain, backaches, and kicks in the stomach, not to mention 5 or 6 hours of gut-ripping labor.

2. Cats are naturally potty trained, so you never have to change a smelly diaper or argue with a stubborn toddler.

3. A kitten can entertain itself for hours with nothing but a wad of paper, and they're more fun to watch than most TV shows.

4. A cat doesn't need a babysitter, and it really doesn't mind being left home alone.

5. You don't have to get up at 2 AM to feed a cat.

6. Cats may be finicky about their food, but at least they won't spit it back at you or smear it in their hair.

7. Cats never write on the walls with crayons or indeliblemarkers.

8. Unlike human children, cats LOVE to take naps!

9. Cats don't have temper tantrums.

10. A cat would never try to fit a slice of pizza into the computer's floppy drive slot.

11. A cat won't generate 2 loads of dirty laundry everyweek.

12. Cats wash up without being told, and they always leave the towels clean.

13. Cats rarely leave dirty pawprints on the door or track mud on your kitchen floor.

14. You don't have to worry about getting your cat into the "right" preschool.

15. A cat will never have a dead frog in its pants pocket. Or a live one.

16. A cat won't try to flush a toy race car down the toilet at 9:45 on a Sunday morning.

17. A cat won't demand the latest toy, video game, or sugar-coated cereal it saw on TV.

18. If your cat jumps off the roof, at least it won't use your best umbrella for a parachute.

19. You don't have to give a cat an allowance.

20. A cat doesn't need a whole new wardrobe every year.

21. Cats don't need eyeglasses or braces on their teeth.

22. A cat will never ask for a pony, a ten-speed bike, or a $100 pair of sneakers.

23. A cat will watch all your favorite TV shows without complaining, and they never want their MTV.

24. Cats never take up drumming or play the stereo too loud.

25. A cat won't take out the garbage either, but on the other hand, it doesn't generate very much.

26. A cat won't tie up your computer or your phone line.

27. Your car insurance rates won't skyrocket when your cat turns 16.

28. A cat will never come home on the back of a Harley-Davidson, or have a boyfriend in a punk-rock band.

29. You can have a cat fixed, and you don't have to worry about finding condoms or "the pill" in their dresser drawer.

30. A cat will never crash your car or get picked up for shoplifting.

31. A cat will never dye its hair green or purple or have it cut in a mohawk.

32. A cat will never get a tatoo or have its tongue,nose, or eyebrows pierced.

33. Your cat will never smoke pot or crack, or drop acid.

34. A cat wouldn't be caught dead in bell-bottomed pants.

35. You won't have to mortgage the house to pay for your cat's college tuition.

36. Cats don't talk back or storm out of the house in a rage.

37. You won't understand what your cat is saying either, but at least you'll know it isn't obscene. Usually.

38. A cat won't need to bum around Europe for a year to "find itself".

39. Your cat will never grow up to be a doctor, but it won't be a bookie or a politician, either.

40. A male cat is a male, and a female a female. Period.

Too Many Cats?

Cats are becoming increasingly popular as pets these days, and a big question is, how many cats should a family have? For some people, one is more than enough, others have half a dozen or more. Here are some sure- fire ways to know when you've reached your limit.

You know you have too many cats when:

Your annual catfood bill is more than the combined Gross National Product of Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino.

Your last three cats are named Puss, Kitty-cat, and Hey You.

You and your spouse are sleeping on the floor because there's no more room in the bed.

The cleaning lady at the vet's office calls you by your first name.

All your windowsills are occupied.

Your neighbors forget your last name and start referring to you as "you know, the cat people".

You have to change the vacuum cleaner bags every week.

You're running out of corners to put litter boxes in.

Even your coffee table has a slip cover.

The most important crop in your garden every year is catnip.

You can't remember what a house plant looks like.

Flea collars smell good to you.

You actually understand what your cats are saying.

More than half your mail comes from Purina and Friskies.

Every year you get a personally autographed Christmas card from Morris.

Your cat door has been replaced three times.

For Mothers Day last year the kids pooled their money and bought you an electric cat brush.

You thought it was the perfect gift.

The End

Copyright 1998, by Kathleen Mc Pugh, All rights reserved

Kathie Freeman is the author of "Catwalk, A Feline Odyssey", the engaging tale of a vagabond tabby cat, and "The Retro", the story of an unholy alliance of science and government.

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